September 9th - September 16th 2002
Sunday No joke
Saturday War against an abstract noun
Friday Linkalot
Thursday And your mother
Tuesday Denonce
Monday Oxen in Homer
Sunday 15th September 2002
You probably heard the one about the Jordanian, the Iranian, and the Pakistani who went into a restaurant...and ended up being set upon by sniffer dogs, having their bags blown up, and then held in custody for 17 hours.
I guess this isn't a good time to be making jokes about terrorism.
Saturday 14th September 2002
Divided we stand
Garry (fresh off the plane from Washington, sipping coffee in the shadow of 1 Canada Square): "Back home, they read in your Independent and the Guardian about 'President Bush preparing to go to war', and they go ape-shit because as they see it the US has been at war for over a year already, ever since last September..."
Shane (speaking several hours later and several floors higher): "...but do they not understand that one traditionally goes to war against a specific country, or countries? You can't declare war on an abstract noun!"
Jo (rebooting his computer whilst eating a sandwich): "'Declare war on an abstract noun'? Heh heh heh."
Friday 13th September 2002
For David because I'm always late: "The Appointed Time does not worry about dates"- a link.
For Marcus because now I know where Bboyblues comes from: "Love The One You're With is the new featured title" - a link.
For Jonathan because I seem to recall he was prompt to mention it in the first place: Lance Bass, 23, has been denied a flight to the International Space Station because he hasn't paid his bill - a link.
For Luca because people are so ungrateful: Thank you in over 465 languages - a link.
For Vaughan because he claims not to know who won: "I'm just delighted - thank you very much for all the public that voted for me. I didn't think you liked me" - a link.
For Dave because he's come out as a bread-head: Waitrose selling bread at £10 a loaf - a link.
For Scally because he likes that sort of thing: Gloucestershire hospital menus are to return to calling "Spotted Richard" by its traditional name - a link.
For Darren because he likes this sort of thing: Gary Phillips says There's a real British invasion in comic books - Alan Moore, Warren Ellis.. really exploded comic books in America - a link.
For Iain because he was asking us to recommend a little man: Our good friend Andy is starting up as Mister Fixit - a link.
For Meg because she wants to know what's on my duvet: Choose a specific stain - a link.
For Mike because he's good at making a little go a long way: "Cold leftovers for breakfast may be more effective at warding off cancer than high-fibre breakfast cereals" - a link.
For Sasha because she has fans who admire her for daring to start a paragraph with a 4 word sentence: The Undiscovered Craft of Web Writing - a link.
For Cal because it serves him right for going on holiday: Scots will pioneer new text messaging pacemaker - a link.
For Jonno because, hooray, he's back: Queen visits Marmite factory - a link.
Thursday 12th September 2002
The William in Hampstead has a quiz night on Wednesdays that, like Gaul, is divided into three parts and can be loosely categorised as Opinion, Knowledge and Luck. For two weeks running David and I have found ourselves winning the wrong one.
Luck: the final section of the quiz asks you to estimate a number (the time of day the quiz-master was born, the number of square feet in an acre); the closest guess gets to pick a key from a bag, the key may open a box which contains two envelopes, each envelope contains either cash or airline tickets. Firm pessimists in the face of blind fate, David and I never expect to win this and we never have.
Knowledge: the second section of the quiz is a trivia test that wins you the sum of the £2-per-contestant entry fees - last week's total was £62. What do the words Sursum Corda mean in the Latin mass? What vegetable is the key ingredient in a bordelaise sauce? Large teams do better at this (as when we won with Mark and Jonce earlier this year) but, esoterrorists that we are, David and I do expect to win this and, on our own, we never have.
Opinion: the earliest section of the quiz requires you to match the replies given by some random selection of, eek, Ordinary People. (The prize is a bottle of very ordinary 'Champagne'.) What four words did Ordinary People associate with the phrase "Red Indians"? Which four avenues could they name? Which four brands of crisps?
The trick with this section is to mute the ratiocination and just note the first random words that pop into your head. As with the crisps question, to which my immediate muttered answer was "Smiths..." At which David sniggered, and told me I was too old. And then laughed on the other side of his face when my answer turned out to be correct, ahem.
Naming four swimmers fucked us up, we could only name two Crackerjack presenters and we missed Bill Cosby as a famous black comedian (as did the quizmaster, young enough to think that Bing Crosby was a legitimate answer.)
Plus we failed to correctly grade Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise and Tom Jones because we were too busy trying to ignore Tom Tom, Tom Thumb, Tom O'Hawke and Tom Bola.
But, extraordinarily, just like last week, we won.
(Some Fat Drunk Queen took a break from propping his belly on the bar and called through the crowd to David, "Did you do it all on your own, dear?" At which I craned myself into view and he replied, "Oh no, you've got your mother with you.")
Maybe we're more Ordinary than we think.
Tuesday 10th September 2002
Prize-winning typo on the front page of The Independent today:
The Magdalene Sisters, a film that was denonced by the Vatican for its portayal of nuns, has won the top award at the Venice Film Festival.
Headline of the week: Safe ice cream for hedgehogs
Monday 9th September 2002
More from the LRB review of the biography of Iris Murdoch:
Though she was by conventional standards closer to plain than to pretty and had a gait, somebody once remarked, like the oxen in Homer, she nonetheless radiated erotic significance.
She had marriage proposals the way some people have hiccups. She had only to ride by on a bicycle or lean an elbow on a table during a lecture to become an object of fascination.
Often enough she seems to have done nothing in particular to invite this interest. The mere sight of her was enough. But once opportunity offered she was incapable of refusing.. As one of the many men she was engaged to remarked, she was 'monumentally unfaithful'.
These affairs, some of them lasting for years, others hours, most of them kept secret from the participants in rival affairs, ran not just serially but also simultaneously, in packs or even swarms.
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