December 20th 2004 - December 26th 2004
Sunday Ozo late
Saturday Festive, not
Friday Lit up
Thursday Kay Aye Emm Bee
Wednesday Seaman donor
Tuesday Frying tonite
Monday Outrage
Sunday 26th December 2004
Return to Oz
Those of you jonesing for an HBO fix (what, no Six Feet Under? what, no Sopranos? what, no West Wing?) will surely be as delighted as I was to spot an entire series of Oz crammed in very late at night on Channel 4, all this week.
Prisoner Cell Block H it's not.
Saturday 25th December 2004
So this is Christmas
And, hmm, it's not so bad: I've managed to avoid most of the crass commercial nonsense: the worst it's got so far is five utterly redundant Christmas cards (including one from the paper boy).
More to the point - and hitting them where it hurts - is the fact that I've spent not one penny more than I normally would have. Something of an achievement, I'm sure you'll agree (especially as I'm getting paid an extra £350 to work today).
My Christmas dinner, eaten in bed, alone, at 11.15 am, consisted of bubble-and-squeak with two fried eggs.
For fellow agnostics, I recommend Channel Five today, with a festive schedule that reads:
1415 Dawsons Creek
1510 Singin' in the Rain
1710 Columbo: Old Fashioned Murder
1840 Asteroid
2115 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
2010 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
2305 The Manchurian Candidate
Should anybody want me, they'll find me getting drunk in my favourite watering hole: Bar Humbug
Friday 24th December 2004
As is well-known by now, I always schedule myself for a short shift on Wednesdays, so that I can leave work at midnight and get to the Swan in time for the beginning of the infamous Amateur Strip Contest (as prominently featured in the sad little post-midnight tv show, Late Night Ladies).
This Wednesday, the place was heaving and the throng at the bar was three-deep, thanks to the last-minute loss of a barman.
Unlike most everybody else, I was not full of festive feeling; I took particular exception to the guy who was standing at first next to me at the bar, and then in front of me, and whose overall ebullience had already resulted in several spilt drinks.
So when he reached behind him, without turning round, and stuck his hand way down the front of my trousers, I didn't protest, or attempt to move away.
I simply held my lit cigarette lighter to his wrist for as long as it took him to react.
Ho ho ho.
Thursday 23rd December 2004
Given the recent revelation that Kimberly Fortier-Quinn, just two months into her marriage, had been shagging not only the Home Secretary but also one of our leading Parliamentary sketch-writers (plus who knows who else: if Simon Hoggart why not Melvyn Bragg, if Bragg why not Andrew Neil, if Neil why not Brian Sewell, if Sewell why not Michael Winner), I had high hopes for my new concept: Kimberly! - The Board Game.
Sadly, it transpires that one of our leading Parliamentary sketch-writers had got there first.
Wednesday 22nd December 2004
Staunchly conservative as they tend to be, English football supporters who've always had their doubts about their long-haired ex-goalkeeper will have found little comfort in the recent Telegraph headline: Seaman has breast surgery on the Navy
Tuesday 21st December 2004
Monday 20th December 2004
Demonstrators representing an understandably outraged minority organise protests outside a venue which result in the cancellation of the show - and the bien-pensant broadsheets are suddenly full of letters and editorials mourning the effective censorship of artistic expression.
So how come I don't recall any similar flurry of discontent when protests by a group of (white, middle-class) homosexuals led to the cancellation of US, UK and European concerts by Jamaican reggae artists?
......previous week
