Blogadoon - eloquent of pity

November 22nd 2004 - November 28th 2004

Sunday Alex
Saturday E
Friday Face it
Thursday Rim-shot
Wednesday Go Janet
Tuesday Sssh
Monday Fingers

Finding me alone, two novice monks chose this moment to give me a bed bath. I was lying on the bed, stark naked and virtually drained of blood, when one of them lightly lifted my dick (which, in the circumstances, was the size of an acorn) and let it drop again. 'E', he said, the simple monosyllable given a melancholy falling inflexion, eloquent of pity and resignation.

(I won't credit this extract directly because that would spoil the fun of you guessing who recently wrote it.)

Friday 26th November 2004

Dedicated journalists that we are, conversation at the office lately has been much pre-occupied with events in the Ukraine.

We've been especially fascinated by the state of Viktor Yushchenko's complexion, a dramatic decline which has led toxicologists to speculate that the opposition candidate has been the victim of a poison plot.

But I swear on a stack of style-guides that it pure accident that led us to puff recent coverage of the tense confrontation in the streets of Kiev with a close-up portrait of a particularly ravaged-looking Yushchenko and the headline Face off intensifies.

Thursday 25th November 2004

I would be less than human if I wasn't attracted to the thesis of Tim Fountain's new monologue at the Soho Theatre, H-O-T-B-O-I. in which Bette Bourne plays a 60 year old man whose sex life takes on new vigour when he's introduced to the internet.

Even better, I now know the original title of the piece: Deep Rimming in Poplar

Wednesday 24th November 2004

I have to admit I've been keeping an eye on events in the latest I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here - mostly, if not entirely, to see if Janet Meat-Slaughter can maintain her barely-hidden agenda of undermining the whole damn slithery slimy spectacle.

There are incidental delights to be had of course - not least the thought of handing the blonde bint the heaviest-handed open-palmed slap she's ever had in her short meaningless life.

Best of all, I liked the report that Fran Cosgrove, when asked why he was going on the show, replied something to the effect that he was seeking a corrective to "the mistaken ideas that a lot of people have about what kind of guy I am".

Actually Fran, no - most people are too busy asking each other who the hell you are. ("He used to date Jodie Marsh"; "Oh. Right.")

Tuesday 23rd November 2004

Nation Tells Heir to Throne to Just Shut the Fuck Up For a Change

Monday 22nd November 2004

Not sure which worries me more - that the most exciting thing that anyone said to me all weekend was More fingers!, or that it's taken me till now to realise that I've probably met him before...

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