August 30th 2004 - September 5th 2004
Sunday Coming attractions
Saturday Moss Foot Bust
Friday Chucked
Thursday Stepfudd
Wednesday Votz vot
Tuesday Rue
Monday Gummy bare
Sunday 5th September 2004
Amateur Strip Night News (What? Again?)
Thought I'd seen it all until:
A) The second contestant climbed on stage this Wednesday - and promptly collapsed. (The reaction of the new compere, aka Dolly Quicksands, was a treat to behold, torn as she was between genuine concern, the need to do a smooth job on her first night, and not really knowing whether this was the sort of thing that happens all the time here. "Is there a doctor in the house? For me!")
B) A story fresh from New York, where friends witnessed an Amateur Strip Night in which one contestant ('a cute Latino in skintight green Speedos') pleasured himself during his performance - and climaxed by ejaculating all over the compere.
Saturday 4th September 2004
One of the red-tops (it sounds like the Star) had a sub-head to one (!) of its show-biz stories: Moss grows under bust foot.
This has me mesmerised, and I'm not sure why. Is it just the idea of there being a hyphen missing between the third and fourth word? Or the temptation to rearrange the nouns?
Moss grows under Foot bust - bad housekeeping at House of Commons.
Bust grows under foot moss - new breast enhancement regime.
Bust moss grows under foot - the perils of Thai massage.
Friday 3rd September 2004
I'd like to say I picked up Robert Chalmers and later found him lying in bed beside me, but actually it was the other way round; I've just discovered a piece he wrote several weeks ago, buried in the archive of unread newspaper that is -sniff- my only bedside companion.
But either way it was delightful, not least for the carefully nuanced manner in which he works his way round to a discussion of the oops-did-I-say-that self-outing of Chuck Palahniuk.
More to the point his piece introduced me, albeit tangentially, to the concept of burnt tongue - a literary trope to which I suspect I myself am not immune...
Thursday 2nd September 2004
What with their bare-faced nerve in insisting that marriage can only be effected between a Man and a Woman, I guess it was no surprise to find the Republicans brandishing their families in our faces for the few days of the convention - though one can't help wondering if two giggling air-heads and a Stepford first lady are quite the best advertisement for a would-be Leader of the Known Universe.
In between rushing to the toilet for a barf-break, I consoled myself with thoughts of the Vice-President's daughter, Mary Cheney. Not appearing on a podium near you.
Wednesday 1st September 2004
I hope you didn't miss the magnificent performance by Arnold Schwarzenegger's forehead at the GOP convention last night - amidst all that passionate oration, it didn't flinch so much as a millimetre. (My own eyebrows kept close company with my receding hairline: votz viz dot ockscent?)
Tuesday 31st August 2004
Despite the astonishing ugliness of the object of affection, and the surprisingly high price that was negotiated, a satisfactory climax was eventually achieved, after hours of frustrating foreplay.
Yup, Man U finally signed him up.
Monday 30th August 2004
I had a great weekend, thank you for asking: three (count 'em!) days off in a row. Things started to go slightly downhill when I discovered chewing gum stuck in the hairs of my arse, but hey...
......previous week
